A family gone to shreads?

Dear, Readers

Well yesterday was an interesting topic, but today I'm going to let you all into my life a little more than yesterday. You see every teenager, young adult has problems with their family. Whether it be age difference when it comes to opinions, sibling rivalry, divorced families with kids going back and forth, kids not feeling like they belong because their parents keep fighting over things that have to do with them, knowing one parent or both have said that they don't want you, feeling like a burden, not being accepted just because you are like one of your parents more so than the other, or not being accepted because your gay/lesbian/bisexual instead of being straight. We kids of today have a lot more going on than the few things I listed. For me almost everyone will be able to relate to my story in one way or another. My life is as follows, easy.....WRONG! I hate complaining and crying two things I find to be weakness in myself. Well, my father has told me to have a nice life........I'm the girl everyone turns to for advice, comfort, shoulder to cry on, and someone who will deal with your fights for you. To say the least I have been the mother figure for sooooo many of my friends and some of my family too. So to have my father yet again pull at the wounds he has already left in my heart and make them unbearable with words and things that should remain unsaid were said, and then to pull out everything he can and compulsively lie about my mother, my grandfather and my dead grandmother whom he never knew, and my other grandfather whom he never cherished and I loved more than he ever could. My father may love me more than anyone in the entire world, but, that does not make up for everything he has missed in my life, all the pain he does not even realize he has caused, all the therapy he has put my mother through, the things I had to live without because he refused to pay full child support, the damage he caused between me and my family on his side whom now because of him apparently wants nothing to do with me, a worthless, idiotic, bastardly, white trash, bisexual whore, poet/writer failure of a mutt..... Well I may be a block of stone, but, underneath I am as breakable as the smallest, thinnest twig terrified of being stepped on and being broken.So to my readers I want your opinion on if you think I should ever forgive my father or if I should forget about him and move on with my life?

What ever happend to finding the one and staying together?

Dear, Readers

Well today is a new day! But, I was just wondering after watching one of my friends favorite movies "The Perfect Man", how does one actually know when you have found "the perfect man", I mean does he even exist. One man perfect for every woman out there and one woman perfect for every man. And if you do find that perfect someone for you how do you keep it soo perfect, I mean everyone makes mistakes no one out there can be all that perfect. Then that got me thinking, what about all these girls out there who are still looking, should we give up on finding that amazing love that will bring out the best in us or should we keep looking hopelessly for the one guy who will make life a little more with while? And as one of those girls I myself am starting to believe all those anti-romantics because even though I am only 18 years old, I found a perfect man for me and he loved me and I loved him soo much it was almost sickening to all of our friends and it was really perfect for years he even was okay with me being with my girlfriend and him, one big happy family, but then his brother got involved in gangs and he was mistaken for his brother and he died in my arms in the ambulence, so that was that for me and my prince charming, and I still had my womanly love I was going to introduce her to my family a year and a half ago, but she got really sick and died from lymphoblatic luekemia. And I thought to myself that if I had found that perfect person was my love life, my relationship status going to be permanently single? I had no clue....Then I found myself falling in love again with a woman that stirred the inner workings of my soul and it made me think even now as I'm writing this blog with my girlfriend at my side, what if we get more than one chance to fall in love and if so then "the perfect man or woman" is completely a lie told to just let little girls dream of prince charming, and if it's wrong why keep looking? But, to all those hopeless romantic's out there I'm still partially on your side of all this I'm just right on the border line of hope and stubborn old maid. I'm just tired of looking for something that never seems to be there looking for me too.......

So to my readers I want your opinion on all this or tell your story and see if it helps someone going throuogh the same thing, we women have to stick together or we'll just get lost in translation, in the language of love.

LOVE?

For many years the time old questions about love have been discussed and have been seemed as a mystery. Well I have to a new theory on that subject to answer all those questions..... I personally have asked the question " What if love doesn't always come to an agreement with destiny and fate and above all what the heart really needs instead of what the heart wants? ". Well to my own question I just finished watching Letters to Juliet Letters to Juliet I loved the movie and it made me think about my past relationships and the one I have ended permanently in my life. I have been searching for that one person who understands me and want to be with me not because I fit some list in their heads to the perfect or ideal girlfriend who could someday be their wife, but someone who wants to be with me like Sophie and Charlie want to be together, for it to be more of a need than anything else. Love of all things is timeless and never ending, it is something you can always find even in the darkest of times, and you can never run out no matter how much it seems like your heart is breaking and you've run out, you can always make more. LOVE THE ETERNAL PASSION, LOVE THE ETERNAL EMOTION, LOVE THE ETERNAL LIFE CHANGING LIVING LIFE DRIVING THING THAT CAN NEVER DIE.....AFTER ALL IT'S ETERNAL!
I only ask of my readers to think about love and how some of you may have found it and kept it, and how even those whom have lost it like myself. I ask to keep living in the light of your love, and if you haven't found a love to last yet, then keep looking. I 'm one of those hopeless romantics that believes to my core that everyone has a true soul mate and a destiny waiting to intertwine with that one person that makes their heart feel on fire and their soul take flight.

Does a good relationship have to have good sex?

I have seen so many relationships go down the drain these days on just the fact that one partner is not satisfying the other.No Ifs, Ands, or Butts And at this I am almost stumped....does a good relationship have to have good sex to stay a "happy couple", or can there be bad sex or "dry spells". Or at least have a real chance to talk it out or work on it. Is there ever a chance in those relationships gone bad to have room for improvement, or do all us girls out there just find good sex as the one thing we pose as the "tip of the iceberg" for our relationships? I found that talking it out, or that in my friends relationships they try new things, or try not to focus on the physical attraction and more on the mental and emotional part of the relationship. Can we live happily in a relationship with moderately good sex and be happy or has good sex become a necessity in all good relationships and even marriages?

sorry for the wait, it seems that's just what we modern girls have to do ALL THE FRIKING TIME!

Well my last few weeks contain this : One of my best friends and now ex-boyfriend decided in his depression that if he couldn't have me in his life that he had nothing left to live for and I being the stupidly hopeful type thought the few days of no phone calls was him getting over me.....WRONG in all senses of the word he killed himself while working at his dad's construction site by turning on the machine and jumping in front of it...I was first in tears that I just lost someone, but then I was just mad and angry that he thought that he had nothing to live for, he has a little brother he still needed to look after because his parents are mental. Then it just came to me that only waiting out time would make the whole eating at go away and the thought that if i hadn't fought with with him he might not have done it. But, it's not my fault or my problem just my burden to bare. Then one of my friends had a miscarriage and was in total pain and it happened on the job I went to help, but all I could do was be there and hope for the best and talk to he33r to try to calm her, but I was useless for anything else. Then one of my oldest friends had a set of twins and she named the one who came out first after me. This week I lost someone dear to me, was there for a good friend as she lost her first child at 3 months, and saw life appear. It's a lot to take in. BUT, MY MAIN TOPIC IS THAT WITH MEN LIKE THE EX I LOST THIS PAST WEEK IS THAT MOST GUYS NOT ALL, BUT MOST KEEP THEIR FEELINGS LOCKED UP AND IT'S LIKE A TICKING BOMB THAT US WOMEN WHO ARE OPEN TO TAKING ABOUT EVERYTHING, MIND YOU NOT LIKE A GOSSIP CIRCLE OR A SHRINK, BUT TO TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. THOSE FEW MEN SEEM TO KEEP US WOMEN WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING. MY QUESTION THIS TIME IS WHY ARE THEY LIKE THAT, AND WHAT ARE THEY WAITING FOR, BECAUSE PERSONALLY I'M TIRED OF WAITING!!!!!!

Questions of lonely broken woman

How can you love someone so much,then its end,put out this act so long,start to believe your over it,then you see them happy with her like you have before,but this time you just snap,now you cant help feelin like another weak/broken girl dreamin of what couldve been,his voice in your head...how can you be over him,then... go back a thousand steps and be wallowing again...how? And to that how can you love him enough to give him that second chance and then know it will end the same with your heart broken again....how do you not see him everywhere and then when he goes off and does the worst thing b/c he can't live without you, how do you not blame yourself? 

This is to all my gurls out there who get used, cufused, and conflicted by the man they fell for.

So to all you women out there here is my topic for the week why do men have to be so hard to figure out. With them always having their guard up whether it is because they were cheated on, or used, or they cheated and they use women. I have two very good friends who are dealing with the guy they fell for and with one of my friends and for name sake we'll call her Hannah, well Hannah has been friends with this guy for like 9 years, 4 just friends, 2 1/2 friends with benefits, 2 1/2 close to dating only just testing the waters, 1/2 a year dating with out the labels. Well now he's going on about how he wants to be right for her with being the kind of guy she needs. FOR GOD SAKES MAN THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT IS TO ASK HER!!!! NOT BREAK UP WITH HER, IGNORE HER, AND PRACTICALLY RUN AWAY WHEN YOU SEE HER!!!! What is up with men like that? Then there is my other close friend which for names sake we will call Sammy. Well Sammy has been with this guy for 4 years and friends with him for 3 years prior to them dating and it has been almost puke worthy perfect. So perfect I practically wanted to puke seeing them all lovy dovy. Then two days ago he up and breaks up with her, no explanation other than he wanted to end it before things got bad. HOW CAN THINGS GO BAD WHEN YOUR IN LOVE LIKE THAT!?!?  I mean seriously, when your with someone like they were, I mean they talked every day. They texted 7 times a day, talked on the phone 2 times a day and were together the other part of the time, inseparable. And they always did they cutsy name thing, and the holding hands with his arm around her waist or neck, and pecked like every 5 minutes, and said I love you like every 10-15 minutes, it was sickening. But, I was so happy for her because she has had bad relationships before it was so nice to see her happy. It was nice to see both my best friends happy, then these guys broke thier hearts for no good reason it makes no sense to break up with someone over worrying your not good enough for the other person, you don't break up over that, you work it out with them. And you don't break up over worrying that it will turn sour when your so happy you worry about the here and now when it's that good. MEN YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM, SCRATCH THAT CAN'T LIVE LOVING THEM MAKES MORE SENSE FOR THIS AND FOR MYSELF SOMETIMES YOU HEAR GIRLS!

Just to warn you...

Well I have been out for a while only because I recently got my wisdom teeth surgically taken out and OMG it hurt, and that is putting it lightly. I am no wimp I was the girl who did stunts and fell, got scraps, burns, and stitches as a kid with no pain at all, no tears. Then I got my wisdom teeth out and I cried like a baby and had to take pain medication for it. It is still sore and it is practically healed, plus I still can't chew anything my teeth are so sore, yeah my teeth are too sore to chew anything other than jello, pudding, yogurt, pasta, and some soft breads. It really, really, really, really sucks so to all you out there who have not gotten your wisdom teeth out yet good luck and I feel your pain to those who had or are getting them out, but to those who don't have to (this next statement is not to be taken as a serious thing) I really hate you right now because you don't have to go through the pain of it and the weird sick feeling that goes along with taking the pain medications. Well I am off to bed to rest for a day of school shopping for my year at MATC. Night world!

My personal tid bit for the week I've missed blogging.......

Well I'm sorry I've missed a few days of blogging, but, I've had a hard time lately and I've been battling some.....well demons in my life, they are called men. You see I may be one of the few people that believe man and women are equal and in relationships we can't just blame one or the other it takes two to make a relationship work and two people to screw it up. Well I just went through one of the hardest good-bye's in my life, not the worst. The worst was when the woman I loved for 8 1/2 years died and in her will she didn't leave me anything and I had to hear it from someone else that if she would have survived the cancer she wasn't going to stay with me. Now this good-bye was with not just my boyfriend, but, also an old friend, as in the two I had recently talked about trying to choose one of them. Well I didn't have to choose, one of them, the one I had known for a long time as a friend that had moved back, well we got into a fight that I don't think either of us will ever forgive each other for what we said. It wasn't all my fault or his, it was an inevitable fight about his love for me and my love for someone else like it was when he moved away those four years ago. And as for my boyfriend, well he ended up hearing the fight and thought I was ready to start saying I love you again and I wasn't I don't know if I ever will be able to say I love you in that way to that special someone for a long time. I mean why does it have to be so hard to get over a heart break, and why is it that you put up this wall around your heart and the one person you finally let in destroys you? And with that why is it that when we think we've finally gotten over our heart break and have put back up our wall why can't we say I love you, and why can't it really be real to have that one person that's your other half, to have someone that completes you inside and out? Are the people like me who have been through soo much just scarred for life and unmendable, unable to ever be really put back together? Or is there really a person for each of us out there and we just have to wait til they come along? What do you think world?

Why the weird nicknames?

So my question today is what is up with guys having to call us chicks and asking for pussy among other terms? Well I'm just putting this out there that I think it's because they just feel weird or are embarrassed some how to say sex, vagina, penis/dick. So if they are appalled or grossed out or embarrassed to say those things then how do they think they sound saying they want pussy, or for a woman to suck their pickle, to say anything like that? And in such a question anyone who says those things must see how embarrassing it must seem to the rest of us to hear them talk like that sounding like some idiotic out of touch imbecile. So I want your opinion on they why for these weird and hilarious phrases for something so natural.

Is it okay or is it the biggest mistake?

So here's a question for all you out there why is it that when we have the seemingly perfect guy, relationship, and sex life we somehow get all paranoid if we are pleasing them. I mean if they are having as much fun as we are then when they say they need space for a little bit does that mean they want a break from the sex or a break from the whole thing? Then there's the fact that what if you are the one asking for the break and are in a relationship with no labels and aren't technically together and end up running into an old boyfriend or just friend you've always liked and sleep with them, should you tell your almost boyfriend or just count it as no problem because your not his girlfriend? I just wonder each side of the male and female's objective and opinion on the subject of "is sex okay with others when your not completely together with your man/woman?".

This is off all my topics, but, had to share.

So today got a call from my girl sara and she got the new kindle wireless reading thing and I had to see it. It is awesome the kindle has a 6" display, and works globally with free 3g and wi-fi so awesome right. I wanted one and asked where she got her's and she told me to go to amazon and she was right it's only $189, and for someone like me the fact that the kindle has a no glare feature is fantastic it's like I can wear my reading glasses without the shining light in my face anymore. Plus the kindle is lighter and holds more books which is great for people like me who already have like 300 books at home and keeps going to the library for more, it hold over 3,500 books how perfect for all the avid readers out there like me and my girl sara, and downloading them only takes like a minute so all those people out there who are as impatient to read the next book in the series we all read doesn't have to sit there for hours to read it. It's one of the best if I have to say so myself, me and sara are reading the girl with the dragon tattoo by vintage and read the new stephenie meyer book the short second life of bree tanner, both amazing books and practically free. So if your looking for a device thingy like this you should totally check out amazon.com for the new kindle wireless I know I will, once I'm done reading that is.

A poem for those who have also felt alone even when thier surrounded.......

I AM......
I am alone, surrounded by friendship
I wonder do I have a heart left to love
I hear thunderstorms behind my tears
I see fuzzy images of my future so unsure what is next for me
I want something all my own, that seems to never come close enough to grab.......
I pretend to smile everyday
I feel lost without someone to show me there is still light in the world, to show me the way
I touch my pulse and don't know if I 'm pretending that too without knowing it...
I worry a friend is all I will ever be in this life...
I cry every night knowing all I've lost is only going to get worse til it's me who's next in line...
I understand the books I read more than my own life...
I say I love you without meaning because I've lost the knowledge of what it feels like anymore...
I dream of day I'm truly happy above all my pain
I try to forget my past and what awaits tomorrow
I hope someday my life winds down and starts to make sense again...
I am alone, surrounded by friendship, will it always be enough to keep me waking-up everyday?
Or will the pain I subside in the back of heart burst...killing me...?

Why them?

I have seen more than my share of break-up's and all I can figure is why them? I mean those women we blame for taking, stealing, corrupting our relationship's with our men. Well what I have to say is what is wrong with us it's not our fault, the other woman's fault, or even our man's fault for all that drama to take place. I wonder if men like us have been so used to seeing other men as they grew up moving onto the next woman and even though they know it's wrong are they just as screwed up in the back of their minds as we women are. Is it all just programed in us by what we have seen? So my question of the day is why them, so to all the women left for another woman, all the women who seem to have taken a man from another woman, and those men who are just stuck in a bad cycle I leave this question up to you all to discuss and hell maybe we will finally have an answer to the time old question, why them?

Past Repeating Itself?

We have all been there, the whole I love you both, but, I think I love one of them more. Well here is my stand point in life at the moment, I'm stuck between two amazing men. One - a guy I have know most of my life and we never got the chance to date because we were always just friends then he moved, Two - a guy I have only know for a few years, but, none-the-less he has fallen as hard for me as I have for him. So is it too much to just call it quits when your dating guy number two and guy number one falls back into your life and start anew. Or should we try to make the relationship with guy number one stay friends, and stay with guy number two. Or are we going to do what everyone seems to and repeat an ancient mistake and let guy number one sweep us off our feet with ease and risk guy number two? I personally would love to have that book with all the answers, but, nope I am stuck like everyone else. So as I think this through and even as I am typing this the old question pops into my head I have already gone through this and have before lost a different guy number two and had guy number one leave me, so are we all just learning new situations or are we now after so many relationships programed to repeat our mistakes with new people?